Alcoholism and Fuckery

I want to drink. I want to drink all the things. I want to drink a 12 pack of anything, just so I can feel something. It’s pure fuckery. I can’t explain it. It just is. I wonder how I get through most of my days. I do the best I can. Between this, crippling PTSD, depression, anxiety, and worse…it’s a miracle. I hear an awful lot about mental health awareness…that we’re all in this together…we’re not alone…it’s going to be ok…But is it? All too often I go to bed and hope that I don’t wake up. I sit at my desk, leg bopping, shaking up and down, and wish I had a cigarette…or 3 packs. I haven’t smoke in 6 months. I haven’t had Vicoden or Percocet for a decade. Pretty sure I could take 3 right now, drink a 12 pack…and still play high-level Chess. What’s up with that?

And why should anyone care? I’m afraid that there are millions upon millions of people all over the world, that deal with this day in and day out. There’s really no good solution right now. What can, and will work…Is CONNECTION. It’s still not talked about enough. We’re just expected to get by. Go with the flow. I’m tired of explaining myself. That I just can’t cope, that my head spins, my body hurts. I wish I didn’t have to do anything. Any time I’ve expressed this to professionals, I’m told to take it easy. Not take on so much. Focus on myself and my treatment. That doesn’t pay the bills. That doesn’t take care of my kids or do my job.

So I go a million miles a minute, just so I don’t have to feel. So I can avoid the truth. So I don’t have to actually face my problems. I do this, repeatedly, until I break down and don’t want to exist. I want to succeed. I want to be a good Dad. I certainly need to make more than I do right now. And I feel like a failure. It never goes away. I’ve been a Navy Chief Petty Officer. Made President’s Club in finance. Even helped run a successful Magic: The Gathering shop. In software, I’ve led some awesome teams. I still feel like an imposter. In a lot of ways, I am. I don’t know how to do a lot of the stuff other engineers do. I’m trying. I’m learning. But it’s never enough. What I can do, is lead. Motivate. Inspire. I might not be able to solve some random algorithm…but I can lead a team of 50+ developers across multiple work streams across the world.

I want to continue to lead and make a difference, but I’m terrified. It’s impossible at times to give my all, practically 24/7…and not want to quit. I’ve always achieved at the highest levels. For the most part, I hate myself. I’ve lost count of the people I’ve worked with, mentored, known…that feel the same way. I wonder what the way forward is. What does that even look like? How can it ever be? How many people get by, simply just get by, and never live?

I’ve had success. I’ve raised a great family. I’ve loved and traveled and experienced. At 40 years old, I feel like I’ve done a lot…and absolutely nothing at all. Hopelessness. It’s impressive. Never ceases to amaze me. How quickly it goes from taking on the world to not being able to get out of bed. I want to help find hope for those in need. I want to raise awareness and be the voice for those that can’t speak up. There has to be a better way. There are people hurting, lost, struggling. Suicide is a real fucking thing. Deep-rooted depression, left unchecked, is destroying lives. I’m doing what I can here, to raise awareness. Hopefully, my sharing will motivate others to join and write about their lives.

It’s time to face the world together. There’s no need to struggle. To feel broken, lost, lonely, and afraid. Help me spread the word. Let’s build a community and lead change from the frontline. If you have things you want to get off of your chest, do it here. Write as often or as little as you want. Sign up and share anonymously, or promote the hell out of yourself and what you have to say. Totally up to you. Most importantly, it’s safe here, supportive, and free. Whatever it takes, it’s time for a change. It’s time to CONNECT.